It has been almost 9 months since I was raped.
Even 9 months since it happened I still think about it almost every day but it no longer rules my life like it once did. I wrote a post months ago about that night and still that post makes me feel stick to my stomach when I read it even though it doesn’t even begin to describe half of what I went through that night.
Therapy helped. And I now consider myself a survivor not a victim. Occasionally I still get flashbacks and nightmares but they are not that frequent anymore.
I regret not reporting the guy that raped me. And I know I could report him now but I would’t have that strong of a case. And as twisted as this seems – I would feel bad about destroying his life even after everything he stole from me. He still has some power over me even 9 months later but he is not stopping me from living my life anymore! I will never forgive him for taking advantage of me, taking my power away, manipulating me, or for taking my virginity. But he does not control me anymore and I now have a wonderful boyfriend who has taught me to love and trust again, to feel safe again, to see the beauty in the word again, and to be happy again.
So many rapes go unreported out of shame, fear, guilt, and so many other things. People need to stop blaming the victim! If you were raped or you know someone that was raped you have to know it was not your fault. The blame can only be placed on the rapist.
A few weeks ago I watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with my parents. There is a graphic rape scene in the movie and after it my mom kept asking me “that was so horrible wasn’t it? wasn’t it?” and I almost said “now you understand why I still have nightmares” but I didn’t and I regret it. My parents even have a hard time accepting what happened to me and can’t stand the idea that what the girl in the movie went through is what I went through. And there are people at my college that still don’t believe I was raped. And I should stand up to them. I should of stood up to my attacker by reporting him.
Now that I’ve accepted what happened and got my life back I have the strength to do anything I can to help other victims or at least raise awareness. I put my story out on the internet originally to help me think through what happened and in search of support. Soon I am going to try and write a more in depth post about what happened so that other survivors can know that they are not alone and for people to understand better how rape victims feel and to raise awareness about this issue and to encourage more people to report their attackers and stand up to naive people who don’t believe their story or blame the victim.
About one in three women are raped. But only a small percentage of rapes are ever reported and unfortunately I am not in that small percentage of survivors who reported their rape. Maybe this will change eventually. I wish I knew how to change it..
If you were raped or know someone that was raped and you need/want someone to talk to please feel free to talk to me. I am more than happy to help in any way I can.
Recovery is possible. I know 10 people that were raped or sexually assaulted and every single one of them is living a fulfilling life and were able to deal with what happened through therapy and support. Never give up.
~Samantha~
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