Haunted by a Memory

Your head begins spinning as the blue of the sky starts swirling together with the green of the trees and the rough gray of the pavement below your feet. Your heart is thumping faster and faster against your chest as your ears throb with the beat as the blood rushes through your veins. No one is chasing you yet your feet are carrying you forward faster and faster with each step. Your body and mind have been taken over with your fight or flight response.

Your body chose flight because it knows what it is like to be trapped, broken, and abused – forced open and violated. Your mind knows you are safe now but the memory of laying helpless in the dark as a disgusting excuse for a man ran his filthy hands over your body and forced your legs open. His arousal grew as your fear rushed over you.

As you reach your apartment your heartbeat slows as you remind yourself that that horrid night has long since passed. Some days you still feel so dirty and worthless like you’ll never be clean again. You hope he is out there somewhere haunted by his actions but in your heart you know he is proud of what he did but you remind yourself over and over again that he is the one that is broken, disgusting, and worthless – not you. And you refuse to collapse again.

~Samantha~

He Did Not Steal My Worth

Your boyfriend has to shake you awake because you’re crying and screaming in your sleep. For hours after every time you seem him pass you in the hall of the dorm you jump every time someone walks past you. You flinch when your boyfriend who you love and trust reaches towards you. A licensed psychologist diagnosed you with posttraumatic stress disorder. You lay awake for most of the night haunted by the memoires and when you finally fall asleep you toss and turn and scream and cry as the memories haunt your dreams. Every time you hear his voice you feel paralyzed and you start to shake as anger and fear consumes your body.

Despite all of this people you called your friends don’t believe you when you say you were raped because the monster who did this to you has convinced them of your innocence and they all think you just have buyers remorse. Regret doesn’t give you posttraumatic stress disorder but monsters that prey on drunken girls do. I said no over and over again but he ignored me and did what he wanted. The night lasted forever and all I could think about was the knife he carried everywhere with him. My mind when blank and my body went numb as he shoved my head down over and over again. I stared at the sheets with blank eyes as he pushed my back down. I guess for him sex with a girl whose body is limp and unmoving is hot. I wonder if he cared that I didn’t participate in any way. I wonder if he liked hearing me repeat, “stop. No! No!” over and over again.

He barricaded me in after it was over and pinned my between the wall and his body and slept soundly as I stared at the wall numb and empty. I wish I did more to stop him. I wish I screamed louder. I hate him but I’m not going to let him rule my life anymore. He is the monster that lurks in the dark and haunts my dreams but I refuse to cower like a child anymore. He does not own me. Despite everything he did to me I have found love and happiness. My worth was not stolen from me. He took my virginity but he did not take my ability to love, live, or to be happy. I am whole, happy, and loved. He is broken, sick, and disgusting. I am the powerful one not him. I have love which is something he will never have.

One day he will realize just how empty and heartless he really is.

 

 

Paper Dolls

Sierra Demulder is a poet. I love her poetry and I found a video of her performing her poem “Paper Dolls” it is a powerful poem that speaks on the subject of rape. As a rape survivor this poem touched me and has given me strength. Please check out this video! Enjoy! The poem itself is typed out below the video. I recommend watching the video of her performing the poem. It is very powerful.

We are taught
from the moment we leave our pink nursery
that we are collapsable paper dolls
light to hold
easier to crumple.
that as women our worth lies secretly wrapped in lace and cotton panties
our fragility armored with pepper spray and mace, they say:

ONE IN TEN. ONE IN SIX. ONE IN THREE
women will be raped or sexually abused in her lifetime

and I am one of three daughters.

Now imagine
Each victim is an acrobat
Her sanity a balancing act
Our response is the unfailing safety net
We never expect to see her across the wire

You weren’t just violated, we tell her
You are an empty museum
A gutted monument to what used to hold so much worth
And with the best intentions we tell her to reclaim it,
Put a price tag on her rape and own it,
But don’t stand too tall, don’t act too strong
or we will name you denial, come back when you’re ready to crumble
Like your bones are made of chalk
You may only laugh cutely or cry beautifully
So cry beautifully
We are calling it theft
As if he could pluck open your ribs like cello strings
Pocket your breasts, steal what makes your heart flutter and tack its wings to his wall,
Some days you will feel dirty!
Some days you’ll remember how hard it is to breathe in public, like your heart beat is climbing to the attic of your throat only to suicide itself out on the pavement
But know this: the person who did this to you is broken, not you.
The person who did this to you is out there, somewhere choking on the glass of his chest, it is a windsheild, and his heart is a baseball bat saying regret this, regret this
NOTHING WAS STOLEN FROM YOU.

Your body is not a hand-me-down
There is nothing that sits inside you holding your worth,
no locket that can be seen or touched, fucked from your stomach and left on the concrete

And I know sometimes it’s hard to feel perfect
when you can’t tell an adam’s apple from a fist
because some ashtray of a man forced you to play his eden.

but I will not
watch you
collapse.

~Samantha~

Reflection and Continued Recovery

It has been almost 9 months since I was raped.

Even 9 months since it happened I still think about it almost every day but it no longer rules my life like it once did. I wrote a post months ago about that night and still that post makes me feel stick to my stomach when I read it even though it doesn’t even begin to describe half of what I went through that night.

Therapy helped. And I now consider myself a survivor not a victim. Occasionally I still get flashbacks and nightmares but they are not that frequent anymore.

I regret not reporting the guy that raped me. And I know I could report him now but I would’t have that strong of a case. And as twisted as this seems – I would feel bad about destroying his life even after everything he stole from me. He still has some power over me even 9 months later but he is not stopping me from living my life anymore! I will never forgive him for taking advantage of me, taking my power away, manipulating me, or for taking my virginity. But he does not control me anymore and I now have a wonderful boyfriend who has taught me to love and trust again, to feel safe again, to see the beauty in the word again, and to be happy again.

So many rapes go unreported out of shame, fear, guilt, and so many other things. People need to stop blaming the victim! If you were raped or you know someone that was raped you have to know it was not your fault. The blame can only be placed on the rapist.

A few weeks ago I watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with my parents. There is a graphic rape scene in the movie and after it my mom kept asking me “that was so horrible wasn’t it? wasn’t it?” and I almost said “now you understand why I still have nightmares” but I didn’t and I regret it. My parents even have a hard time accepting what happened to me and can’t stand the idea that what the girl in the movie went through is what I went through. And there are people at my college that still don’t believe I was raped. And I should stand up to them. I should of stood up to my attacker by reporting him.

Now that I’ve accepted what happened and got my life back I have the strength to do anything I can to help other victims or at least raise awareness. I put my story out on the internet originally to help me think through what happened and in search of support. Soon I am going to try and write a more in depth post about what happened so that other survivors can know that they are not alone and for people to understand better how rape victims feel and to raise awareness about this issue and to encourage more people to report their attackers and stand up to naive people who don’t believe their story or blame the victim.

About one in three women are raped. But only a small percentage of rapes are ever reported and unfortunately I am not in that small percentage of survivors who reported their rape. Maybe this will change eventually. I wish I knew how to change it..

If you were raped or know someone that was raped and you need/want someone to talk to please feel free to talk to me. I am more than happy to help in any way I can.

Recovery is possible. I know 10 people that were raped or sexually assaulted and every single one of them is living a fulfilling life and were able to deal with what happened through therapy and support. Never give up.

~Samantha~

Recovering

Merriam-Webster Definition:
counseling noun : professional guidance of the individual by utilizing psychological methods especially in collecting case history data, using various techniques of the personal interview, and testing interests and aptitudes

My Definition:
Counseling – where you go when you’ve hit your all time low, where you cry and struggle and sort through your mind searching for the happiness you lost

Merriam-Webster Definition:
rape: unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent

My Definition:
rape: My power, virginity, and self-respect being ripped away from me by a disgusting guy, the thing that sent me to counseling, the thing that caused me to lose friends, the things that caused so many of my regrets

If you read my last post you will know that I was raped. When I wrote that I hadn’t totally grasped the fact that I was raped.

I have made so many mistakes since the rape happened but I’ve also made a lot of progress.

After the rape I started getting a lot more promiscuous, to put it lightly. I just wanted to have control of something and I wanted to replace the experience in my head. When guys started trying to do stuff with me after the rape I just let them because I thought if I let them it was okay and it made me feel like I had some control over what was happening. Eventually my behavior got to be too much for my friends and I finally hit rock bottom. I felt like a dirty whore and I lost my friends. So I dragged myself to counseling.

Telling a counselor my story was difficult to say the least but also freeing. It was nice to finally have someone to talk to that wasn’t going to criticize or whisper behind my back.

After turning a corner in counseling and getting some of my control back and getting my anxiety under control and getting rid of some of the depression I got most of my friends back and I also found an amazing guy. Him and I have been dating for two months now. He knows that I was raped and he has been so supportive of me and has helped me a lot with my recovery.

Its taken awhile but I know now that the rape was not my fault and that the rape was not about sex it was about that guy wanting power and control over me. I am not dirty and I am not a whore. What he did to me was disgusting and he is disgusting. He deserves to be blamed for all of it.

I am home on break right now and I told my parents about the rape and my mom starting blaming me for what happened – that hurt. My cousin who was visiting us and has a degree in psychology talked to her and my mom seems to have stopped blaming me. I know I probably will never be able to count on her for a whole lot of support when it comes to this issue and thats a shame but I have other sources of support.

Despite all the progress I have made writing about all this is still difficult.

More updates to come…

Much Love <3
Samantha

PS if you have been raped and need someone to talk to PLEASE feel free to talk to me. I am more than happy to give support to anyone that needs it!

I Said No – Why Didn’t He Listen

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I did that.
I didn’t know I could cause myself that much regret in one night.
It all started with the idiotic decision to drink on a Wednesday night. First of all, it was a WEDNESDAY! Who drinks on a Wednesday!? – apparently I do. Second, I am less than a light weight – I get drunk FAST because I rarely ever drink.
The stupid decisions didn’t stop there. In fact, that was the least of my regrets.
I walked down, while drunk, to a different floor of my dorm to attempt to get a guy I had made out with a few nights ago to come party with us. I really was hoping he would join so I could make out with him again. He didn’t even look at me. I don’t know if he feels awkward or if he regrets it but whatever. Anways one of the other guys came back up with me.
Of course as my drinking progressed I started laying on people and getting affectionate…
Well eventually everyone convinced me to go to bed. Unfortunately the guy that came up from the other floor, we will call him C, volunteered to help me back to my room. When we got to my room my roommate was trying to study for a test and asked C to take me somewhere else because I was being loud.
Well instead of asking one of my friends to take me C took me to his room instead. When we got to his room his roommate left because C started kissing me which didn’t really phase me. Well C started to undress me and I didn’t really say much because I was really out of it. The more it progressed the more I told him we should stop. I tried shoving his hands off me and moving his lips away from me. Eventually he tried to put his junk in me…
I made him stop and he did for a little bit…
Then he tried again and I stopped him again…
Then he tried again and I tried to stop him but he didn’t stop.
He had sex with me.
He used a condom and pulled out and came in my mouth…
I was a virgin.
I tried to stop him.
I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. So once he was in me for a little while, showed no sign of stopping, and my attempts to push him off failed I gave in.
But I never said yes.
I told him not to cum inside me. At least he listened to that. Although my mouth still counts as inside me.
I was a virgin…
He was nice enough to say he wanted to date me and continue talking to me in the morning.
But I don’t like him. I’m not in any way even a little bit physically or emotionally attracted to him. Plus I know he heard me say no as he tried to enter me.
So I said it was a one time thing and went up to my room wearing his boxers and my shirt from the night before while carrying my shorts from the night before.
He lost his boxers.
I lost a thong and my virginity to a guy I met only twice before that night. To a guy that took advantage of the fact that I was drunk. To a guy that doesn’t know he took my virginity.
I said no.
I couldn’t fight him off.
He doesn’t even consider what he did as rape.
But I shouldn’t of gotten drunk. I shouldn’t have gone with him. I shouldn’t of done anything at all especially on a Wednesday. I shouldn’t of done a lot of things…
Now every time I hear songs about sex I feel like i’m going to throw up.
Everything sexual brings back memories of his hands on me and him in me and me saying no…

Quick Update:
The guy I talked about in my last post turned out to just be using me to get over his ex girlfriend and to keep around as a possible option in case nothing better came along.

XO~
Samantha