He Did Not Steal My Worth

Your boyfriend has to shake you awake because you’re crying and screaming in your sleep. For hours after every time you seem him pass you in the hall of the dorm you jump every time someone walks past you. You flinch when your boyfriend who you love and trust reaches towards you. A licensed psychologist diagnosed you with posttraumatic stress disorder. You lay awake for most of the night haunted by the memoires and when you finally fall asleep you toss and turn and scream and cry as the memories haunt your dreams. Every time you hear his voice you feel paralyzed and you start to shake as anger and fear consumes your body.

Despite all of this people you called your friends don’t believe you when you say you were raped because the monster who did this to you has convinced them of your innocence and they all think you just have buyers remorse. Regret doesn’t give you posttraumatic stress disorder but monsters that prey on drunken girls do. I said no over and over again but he ignored me and did what he wanted. The night lasted forever and all I could think about was the knife he carried everywhere with him. My mind when blank and my body went numb as he shoved my head down over and over again. I stared at the sheets with blank eyes as he pushed my back down. I guess for him sex with a girl whose body is limp and unmoving is hot. I wonder if he cared that I didn’t participate in any way. I wonder if he liked hearing me repeat, “stop. No! No!” over and over again.

He barricaded me in after it was over and pinned my between the wall and his body and slept soundly as I stared at the wall numb and empty. I wish I did more to stop him. I wish I screamed louder. I hate him but I’m not going to let him rule my life anymore. He is the monster that lurks in the dark and haunts my dreams but I refuse to cower like a child anymore. He does not own me. Despite everything he did to me I have found love and happiness. My worth was not stolen from me. He took my virginity but he did not take my ability to love, live, or to be happy. I am whole, happy, and loved. He is broken, sick, and disgusting. I am the powerful one not him. I have love which is something he will never have.

One day he will realize just how empty and heartless he really is.

 

 

Reflection and Continued Recovery

It has been almost 9 months since I was raped.

Even 9 months since it happened I still think about it almost every day but it no longer rules my life like it once did. I wrote a post months ago about that night and still that post makes me feel stick to my stomach when I read it even though it doesn’t even begin to describe half of what I went through that night.

Therapy helped. And I now consider myself a survivor not a victim. Occasionally I still get flashbacks and nightmares but they are not that frequent anymore.

I regret not reporting the guy that raped me. And I know I could report him now but I would’t have that strong of a case. And as twisted as this seems – I would feel bad about destroying his life even after everything he stole from me. He still has some power over me even 9 months later but he is not stopping me from living my life anymore! I will never forgive him for taking advantage of me, taking my power away, manipulating me, or for taking my virginity. But he does not control me anymore and I now have a wonderful boyfriend who has taught me to love and trust again, to feel safe again, to see the beauty in the word again, and to be happy again.

So many rapes go unreported out of shame, fear, guilt, and so many other things. People need to stop blaming the victim! If you were raped or you know someone that was raped you have to know it was not your fault. The blame can only be placed on the rapist.

A few weeks ago I watch The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo with my parents. There is a graphic rape scene in the movie and after it my mom kept asking me “that was so horrible wasn’t it? wasn’t it?” and I almost said “now you understand why I still have nightmares” but I didn’t and I regret it. My parents even have a hard time accepting what happened to me and can’t stand the idea that what the girl in the movie went through is what I went through. And there are people at my college that still don’t believe I was raped. And I should stand up to them. I should of stood up to my attacker by reporting him.

Now that I’ve accepted what happened and got my life back I have the strength to do anything I can to help other victims or at least raise awareness. I put my story out on the internet originally to help me think through what happened and in search of support. Soon I am going to try and write a more in depth post about what happened so that other survivors can know that they are not alone and for people to understand better how rape victims feel and to raise awareness about this issue and to encourage more people to report their attackers and stand up to naive people who don’t believe their story or blame the victim.

About one in three women are raped. But only a small percentage of rapes are ever reported and unfortunately I am not in that small percentage of survivors who reported their rape. Maybe this will change eventually. I wish I knew how to change it..

If you were raped or know someone that was raped and you need/want someone to talk to please feel free to talk to me. I am more than happy to help in any way I can.

Recovery is possible. I know 10 people that were raped or sexually assaulted and every single one of them is living a fulfilling life and were able to deal with what happened through therapy and support. Never give up.

~Samantha~

Vibes and ‘True’ Friends

It might just save your ass some day

Those gut feelings we all get from people and ideas are usually very accurate indicators as to the true nature of those people or whether that idea is good or not. Yet sometimes we go against these vibes and we end up regretting it. This is very true for my last two relationships.

The last two guys I dates were wrong for me and ended up being bad boyfriends and neither of them treated me properly. I admit I, of course, played some hand in the ending of these relationships. For one I have this terrible tendency to tell people way too much too early because I get attached too quickly so there is no mystery left, no spell to break, nothing to figure out. When I thought about the prospect of dating these guys, hell even just the idea of being friends with them, I had this instinctual feeling that that was just not a good idea. Somewhere inside of me I knew they weren’t good guys but I liked the attention and I was tired of being single so I dated them.

One of the guys was an over aggressive kisser (it was actually a bit scary) and the other was a bad, boring kisser. So in one relationship I was afraid of getting injured every time we made out and in the other relationship I was fighting off falling asleep every time we made out. But that is besides the point.

I think a girl can and should pay for a date every once in a while once you have been dating for a bit but the first date should be payed for by the guy – but a girl should always at least offer to pay and genuinely thank the guy for paying. Well one of these two guys (the aggressive kisser) didn’t even offer to pay and we always each payed for ourselves. It would have been much worse if he made me pay for him as well. Not paying for me is not necessarily a deal breaker for me but it is a warning sign. Later in our relationship I had oral surgery and when I was recovering he asked if I could come over to his house to see him and to bring ice cream with me too – umm hello? I’m the one that just had surgery you should bring me ice cream and come to my house! Meanwhile a friend of mine brought ice cream and flowers to my house and hung out with me for a while and he just didn’t come visit me at all. Needless to say this relationship didn’t last long.

Then my other relationship was just ridiculous. I truly do not think he ever cared for me that much – he just liked my looks. He fooled me into believing he cared then he broke up with me over a text message.

the point in all of that is if you get a gut feeling about someone whether its good or bad – follow it!!!! because chances are that gut feeling is right and you just are in denial or too blinded by your emotions.

The other thing about these relationships that really bothered me was my friends knew they weren’t good guys and all got bad vibes from them too but they never told me. I really wish one of them would of just said “I just don’t think he is the greatest guy. I get a weird vibe from him and I don’t want to see you get hurt”. I don’t know if I would of listened or not but it would of been nice to have been told. Plus I already had been doubting whether I should date them because I got weird vibes but was blinded by my emotions and maybe if someone else said they got a bad vibe from them I wouldn’t of dated them.

Have you ever gone against a gut feeling about someone and ended up regretting it? let me know in the comments.

~Samantha
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