I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I did that.
I didn’t know I could cause myself that much regret in one night.
It all started with the idiotic decision to drink on a Wednesday night. First of all, it was a WEDNESDAY! Who drinks on a Wednesday!? – apparently I do. Second, I am less than a light weight – I get drunk FAST because I rarely ever drink.
The stupid decisions didn’t stop there. In fact, that was the least of my regrets.
I walked down, while drunk, to a different floor of my dorm to attempt to get a guy I had made out with a few nights ago to come party with us. I really was hoping he would join so I could make out with him again. He didn’t even look at me. I don’t know if he feels awkward or if he regrets it but whatever. Anways one of the other guys came back up with me.
Of course as my drinking progressed I started laying on people and getting affectionate…
Well eventually everyone convinced me to go to bed. Unfortunately the guy that came up from the other floor, we will call him C, volunteered to help me back to my room. When we got to my room my roommate was trying to study for a test and asked C to take me somewhere else because I was being loud.
Well instead of asking one of my friends to take me C took me to his room instead. When we got to his room his roommate left because C started kissing me which didn’t really phase me. Well C started to undress me and I didn’t really say much because I was really out of it. The more it progressed the more I told him we should stop. I tried shoving his hands off me and moving his lips away from me. Eventually he tried to put his junk in me…
I made him stop and he did for a little bit…
Then he tried again and I stopped him again…
Then he tried again and I tried to stop him but he didn’t stop.
He had sex with me.
He used a condom and pulled out and came in my mouth…
I was a virgin.
I tried to stop him.
I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. So once he was in me for a little while, showed no sign of stopping, and my attempts to push him off failed I gave in.
But I never said yes.
I told him not to cum inside me. At least he listened to that. Although my mouth still counts as inside me.
I was a virgin…
He was nice enough to say he wanted to date me and continue talking to me in the morning.
But I don’t like him. I’m not in any way even a little bit physically or emotionally attracted to him. Plus I know he heard me say no as he tried to enter me.
So I said it was a one time thing and went up to my room wearing his boxers and my shirt from the night before while carrying my shorts from the night before.
He lost his boxers.
I lost a thong and my virginity to a guy I met only twice before that night. To a guy that took advantage of the fact that I was drunk. To a guy that doesn’t know he took my virginity.
I said no.
I couldn’t fight him off.
He doesn’t even consider what he did as rape.
But I shouldn’t of gotten drunk. I shouldn’t have gone with him. I shouldn’t of done anything at all especially on a Wednesday. I shouldn’t of done a lot of things…
Now every time I hear songs about sex I feel like i’m going to throw up.
Everything sexual brings back memories of his hands on me and him in me and me saying no…
Quick Update:
The guy I talked about in my last post turned out to just be using me to get over his ex girlfriend and to keep around as a possible option in case nothing better came along.
XO~
Samantha
atouchofinsanity 
What happened to you was wrong. The only “shouldn’t have” that happened here was he shouldn’t have raped you. You could have been describing my first rape. I was also a virgin and at a party with a guy who was supposed to be a friend. I was so drunk I was blacked out and woke up in the middle of it. I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes. I just went through the motions. When I tried to report it, they told me I was going to ruin some guy’s life. Someone else told me that it was my punishment for underage drinking. That person was wrong.
The fact that you (and I, for that matter) were drunk is not a crime, the fact that he took advantage of you while you were drunk is. It took me years to come to terms with that, please don’t let it take you that long. Regardless of what you were doing, rape is a CRIME. It was wrong.
Yeah im starting to realize that. I just have moments where i start to feel guilty.
Im sorry that happened to you (or me for that matter). You’re right no one should ever be raped – ever.
The really sick part of it was a couple of people had been talking about how in our state one sip of alcohol automatically means you are not giving consent and that no one can have sex with you. They were talking about it right in front of him – he heard them and he still raped me.
Wow, those reactions are horrifying! It’s amazing how ignorant and insensitive they were. I’m so sorry!
I know you probably don’t want to hear this but I really think you need to report him. He needs to be behind bars, where he can’t do this to anyone else. Seriously. Please talk to someone, your parents, a friend–go to the police. He can’t get away with this.
I know I should report it. I just don’t think i’m going to.
I can’t deal with my mom ever hearing about this. We’ve been through so much I can’t add anything else to it.
I just want to focus on getting myself over it.
I completely understand not wanting to speak up and not wanting to put yourself and your family through all that but this isn’t about them. This is about YOU. YOU deserve justice. I know it’s embarrassing and that it will be hard, but I still strongly encourage you to report it. I did not report my first rape and it was hell for ages. I reported the second one and although it was still hell and the guy walked away, the fact that I was able to speak up put him in the spotlight so if he ever does it again, he will be going straight to jail. I hope that I’ve prevented him from taking advantage of some future girl, if nothing else.
At the very least, I definitely recommend finding a good counselor or therapist…please talk to someone. Don’t deal with this on your own. The fact that you wrote it out in such detail is huge. It took me years to write out my stories and I still haven’t shown them to anyone. Keep writing and find someone to talk to. Please.
I have been wondering about you. I hope all is well.
Hey I’ve made a lot of progress and been through a lot in the last few months. Im going to post very soon with an update
Thank you so much for checking up on me
I hope all is well with you
You are honestly so inspirational. I am really happy you followed my blog so I could read everything you have blogged about. I have written a few posts about my feelings/personal stuff, but nothing compared to this. You are so strong, and extremely brave for sharing it with everyone.
Thank you so much! that really means a lot to me! I’m glad you enjoy what I’ve written and I’m glad it has touched you in some way.