I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I did that.
I didn’t know I could cause myself that much regret in one night.
It all started with the idiotic decision to drink on a Wednesday night. First of all, it was a WEDNESDAY! Who drinks on a Wednesday!? – apparently I do. Second, I am less than a light weight – I get drunk FAST because I rarely ever drink.
The stupid decisions didn’t stop there. In fact, that was the least of my regrets.
I walked down, while drunk, to a different floor of my dorm to attempt to get a guy I had made out with a few nights ago to come party with us. I really was hoping he would join so I could make out with him again. He didn’t even look at me. I don’t know if he feels awkward or if he regrets it but whatever. Anways one of the other guys came back up with me.
Of course as my drinking progressed I started laying on people and getting affectionate…
Well eventually everyone convinced me to go to bed. Unfortunately the guy that came up from the other floor, we will call him C, volunteered to help me back to my room. When we got to my room my roommate was trying to study for a test and asked C to take me somewhere else because I was being loud.
Well instead of asking one of my friends to take me C took me to his room instead. When we got to his room his roommate left because C started kissing me which didn’t really phase me. Well C started to undress me and I didn’t really say much because I was really out of it. The more it progressed the more I told him we should stop. I tried shoving his hands off me and moving his lips away from me. Eventually he tried to put his junk in me…
I made him stop and he did for a little bit…
Then he tried again and I stopped him again…
Then he tried again and I tried to stop him but he didn’t stop.
He had sex with me.
He used a condom and pulled out and came in my mouth…
I was a virgin.
I tried to stop him.
I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. So once he was in me for a little while, showed no sign of stopping, and my attempts to push him off failed I gave in.
But I never said yes.
I told him not to cum inside me. At least he listened to that. Although my mouth still counts as inside me.
I was a virgin…
He was nice enough to say he wanted to date me and continue talking to me in the morning.
But I don’t like him. I’m not in any way even a little bit physically or emotionally attracted to him. Plus I know he heard me say no as he tried to enter me.
So I said it was a one time thing and went up to my room wearing his boxers and my shirt from the night before while carrying my shorts from the night before.
He lost his boxers.
I lost a thong and my virginity to a guy I met only twice before that night. To a guy that took advantage of the fact that I was drunk. To a guy that doesn’t know he took my virginity.
I said no.
I couldn’t fight him off.
He doesn’t even consider what he did as rape.
But I shouldn’t of gotten drunk. I shouldn’t have gone with him. I shouldn’t of done anything at all especially on a Wednesday. I shouldn’t of done a lot of things…
Now every time I hear songs about sex I feel like i’m going to throw up.
Everything sexual brings back memories of his hands on me and him in me and me saying no…
The guy I talked about in my last post turned out to just be using me to get over his ex girlfriend and to keep around as a possible option in case nothing better came along.